Chain Emails - Tom Elseroad

I don't respond to chain type emails, so if you don't hear back from me when you send one to me, that doesn't mean that we are no longer friends.

I submit the following for your entertainment:

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letters. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000 (and neither he nor anyone else has any way of tracking how many time a post gets forwarded), and unless you have entered a contest at their website, Disney is not giving you a free vacation. Further, there is no baby food company issuing class-action checks, and MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward an e-mail to the most people. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true." Use your head; just because someone said in a message, four generations back, something like "we checked it out, and it's legit," does not actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:

http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm

And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $250 cookie recipe, and neither does Mrs. Fields. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:

http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html (for the so-called Neian Marcus cookie recipe)

or

http://www.cookierecipe.com/az/MrsFieldsCkie.asp (for the so-called Mrs. Fields' cookie recipe)

Then, IF YOU ACTUALLY MAKE THE COOKIES IN THE RECIPES), and you really think the cookies are that awesome, then, AND ONLY THEN, feel free to pass the recipe on.

4. If the latest NASA rocket disaster DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain letter?

5. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with viruses.

Try: http://www.norton.com

And even then, don't forward it, because just don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email, you have to download...ya know, like, an .exe FILE!

6. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights. No one is putting drugs on telephone key pads that can instantly absorb into the skin and kill you within seconds. And the likelihood of your dying from the dust of rodent feces settling onto the box-tops of your Cheerios is less than the odds of your winning the Publishers Clearing House $21 Million Grand Prize.

7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. And it sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line, either. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it.

9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.), who lives in England, is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is no longer a "little boy" either.

10. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do. So please, stop sending them all those aluminum soft-drink pop tops.

11. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't," then something bad will.

12. It's true, PBS and NEA funding are still vulnerable to attack, but you're probably the only one I know who actually cares. In any event, forwarding an e-mail won't help either cause in the least. If you want to help these drains on the American tax-payer's wallet, contact your local legislative representative.

13. Sadly, it is also true that women really are suffering in Afghanistan, but writing e-mails won't help the situation much. Do something yourself, and leave the rest of us alone; we watch the news, too. If you really care, get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross.

14. As a general rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about. So don't bother trying to acquire as many of them as you can.

15. Procter and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not of satanic origins, either.

Bottom Line: Composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public restroom. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven. ASSUME it's false, unless there is
proof that it's true.

Now, forward this message to as many friends as you can; the number of recipients will be tracked by the independent accounting firm Price Waterman and associates. Whoever forwards this post to the most people will be awarded a $10,000 prize from the Internet Boob Patrol.

I received this from Ian A. Paul. I have the same sentiments concerning the chain e-mail phenomena.