Just
Some Thoughts
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1.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
3. I am in shape. Round's a shape...
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
5. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?
6. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out
the window.
8. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
9. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea
where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,
I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
11. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of
your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
12. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
13. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go.
I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
14. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my
suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you
too."
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald
Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library,
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
If all is not lost, where is it?
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