Headline: Department of Justice ..
June 29, 2000


On the heels of their victory against Microsoft, the DOJ has announced they plan to "break-up" Tiger Woods. DOJ's lead prosecutor, Joel Klein, claims Tiger uses unfair golfing techniques which stifle his competition.

Klein also stated that he doesn't necessarily want to "break-up" Tiger Woods; however, if they can't find some way to handicap him enough to allow other golfers to win then there would be no other choice. Under a break-up plan Tiger Woods would have to play half his tournaments as "Tiger" and the other half as "Woods". Although this may not give other golfers an advantage
it would increase the tax revenue to the government.

Tiger Woods said he plans to fight these charges. He has done nothing wrong except practice hard and play-to-win.

Mark Fitzpatrick, anti-trust expert, said, "This "play-to-win" attitude is what started all Tiger's problems. If Tiger would just allow other's to win he would not have a monopoly on the golf course. He really brought this upon himself. He should have known the government couldn't allow this much golfing power in the hands of just one person. If I was Tiger, I would settle out of court. An appropriate remedy might be that he has to wear handcuffs when driving and stand on one foot while putting.