The Church and the Family

by Tim Melvin
A church is a family. Paul names it the household of God, calls salvation adoption as sons, describes us as heirs, tells Timothy to entreat an elder as a father, calls Christians brother and sister, and uses a childhood name for father ("abba") to address the heavenly Father. All of these descriptions point to the relationships we have to God and to one another.

A family is people relating to one another. Church relationships, good and bad, overwhelm the NT reader if he looks for them. The good church nurtures and builds those relationships and does not substitute an endless parade of activities for them. I believe that people desire healthy relationships more than anything else. However, house church members must be prepared to get close, very close. Think of it as porcupines snuggling up to get warm in the winter. The closer they get, the more quills they feel. When they draw back, they get cold. It is better to feel the quills!

The house church best resembles the family because it meets where people live. The family who hosts a church meeting and the members who go there draw themselves together as a unit. The atmosphere is real, not surreal. The conversation does not compete with the organ prelude, nor the relationships with the clothes and cars, nor the truth with hypocrisy.

The church which meets in a home best contributes to a family's spirituality and best enables a father, as the head of the family, to encourage his family's well-being. Our house church allows me the free time to teach my family what it means to be a Christian in the kingdom of God. Indeed, it does not merely allow me; it places upon me that responsibility because there is no one else designated to do it. I cannot delegate my duty to a Sunday School teacher, Bible study leader, youth minister, or minister--there are none of those in our church. The weekly teaching does not substitute for my teaching, but complements it.

Malachi 4:4-6 foretells of God's family plan for Israel (and later the church). It shows what God expected of Israelite families: hearts turned toward each other. This turn of heart in family matters parallels the new covenant change of heart in Jeremiah 31 (when God will put His law into the hearts of Israel).

With Malachi's prophecy, God spoke His final words to the nation until John the Baptist. In chapters 3 & 4 of Malachi, God promised Elijah's return, which would bring about a change in Israel (or else He would place a curse on the land). The prevention of the curse (really a restatement of the curses of Deuteronomy) depended upon family conditions in Israel. There were two requirements: the hearts of the fathers turned toward the children and the hearts of the children turned toward their fathers.

Years later, the angel who appeared to Zechariah and announced the conception, birth, and ministry of John the Baptist used Malachi 4:5-6 to explain John's purpose and ministry: "And It is he who will turn back many of the sons of Israel to the Lord their God. And it is he who will go as a forerunner before Him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn back the hearts of the fathers back to the children, and disobedient to the attitude of the righteous; so as to make ready a people prepared for the Lord" (Luke 1:16,17). John the Baptist fulfilled the prophecy of the forerunner preparing the way for the Messiah. The forerunner was to be Elijah (Malachi 4:5), and we know from Luke 1:13-17 that it was John the Baptist who came in the spirit and power of Elijah.

In Luke 1:13-17, John is described as the one who will "turn many of the sons of Israel to the Lord their God" and as the one who will "turn the hearts of the fathers back to the children, and the attitude of the disobedient to the attitude of the righteous so as to make a people ready for the Lord." Luke's style and arrangement of these two descriptions make them corollaries. He arranged everything around verse 17a so that the facts about John's ministry would be obvious. John, as the forerunner, preached the message of turning toward the Lord which, in turn, would restore the hearts of fathers to the hearts of their children.

In the present state of the church, we have lost sight of the good works which accompany salvation. One of the good works accompanying salvation will be a change in family attitudes and actions. The father will practice godly headship of the family; the mother will be the submissive support her husband needs as he strains to obey the Lord. The children will obey their father and mother. The family will love each other, will be kind to one another, and will be best friends with each other. In short, the family will be the model of the Godhead and Christianity upon the earth.

The children are not left out of the equation. We don't just "do our best and hope that they turn out all right." Look at verse 17 again. Luke quotes only part of Malachi 4:6. He substitutes "the attitude of the disobedient to that of the righteous" for "the hearts of the children to the fathers," the other half of the restoration. Luke tells us what the "hearts of the children turned toward their fathers" means. The turning of the children's hearts (as expressed in Malachi) means that they will obey their parents (as expressed in Luke). When salvation genuinely reaches the parents, the children will change from being disobedient to being righteous. This change, however, is not without great effort on the part of the parents (but that is the turning of their hearts to their children, isn't it?). They will want to strive for godliness in their children. This striving results from salvation and the Holy Spirit's accompanying illumination of the scriptural truth concerning the family. Part of the "turning" is repenting of the worldly way of rearing children. Parents who do strive for godliness in their children will be rewarded with their children's hearts turned toward them in obedience.

In summary, as men turn to the Lord, a corresponding healing of family relationships will occur. Visualize the whole process as this: the prophet, apostle, or teacher stirs the parents' hearts toward the Lord; they realize that their responsibility to God means a responsibility to their children; they begin teaching and training their children in the things of God; the children respond to their parents' discipline and instruction with obedience and righteousness.

Church Leadership

All this has great impact upon church leadership. Both the elder and the deacon are to be "good managers of their households, keeping their children under control with all dignity" (1 Tim. 3:4, 5, 12) and "having children who believe, not accused of dissipation or rebellion" (Tit. 1:6). My understanding of these passages is that marriage and children are requirements for being an elder. But that requirement does not hold true for the traveling apostle--neither Paul nor Timothy were married and they are not explicitly called elders. The apostle Peter, on the other hand, was married and calls himself an elder in 1 Peter 5:1-3.

The elder must have children whose hearts are turned toward their parents. The elder who is too busy with his own or church concerns (as "good" as they may be) fails to understand the absolute priority of rearing his children in a way pleasing to God. Who else sees him 24 hours a day at this best and his worst? If he does not live out his Christianity before his children, who is he to export it to others?

Evangelism

One might think that with the above emphasis upon children, they ought to be the objects of the church's evangelistic efforts. But who were the objects of the apostles' evangelism? The Book of Acts shows us that the apostles evangelized the heads of households, not children. Cornelius, Lydia, and the Philippian jailer all came to Christ because of the apostles' efforts. Amazingly, their whole households came with them. Is this only a cultural phenomena of that century? I don't think so. If we aim our evangelism at the father (or single mothers) we will, by NT example, get the children. The man whose heart truly turns to the Lord will turn toward his children, and they too will likely come to Christ.

Church Discipline

Family matters relate directly to church discipline. The man who follows God will discipline his children (Eph. 6;4 NASB). He will hold his children accountable for their actions and train them to obey him and his wife (see Proverbs 1:8; 2;1; 3:1; 4:1; 5:1; etc.). Our churches do not discipline the disobedient members because we have forgotten the biblical reasons and methods for disciplining our own children. As we have raised generations of children without biblical discipline, we have also raised the same generations to expect that no one can hold them accountable for their actions, least of all a church whose only requirements of them are their money and a few hours a week of their time. Children who have been raised to expect those in authority over them to provide needed discipline will not run from the church which seeks to discipline them for their good. In fact, children who have been raised in the discipline and instruction of the Lord will need very little church discipline as adults. We would be amazed at the transformation of our churches (and our society) over a generation if we would discipline our children to respond to God-given authority and not to reject their father's discipline (Proverbs 3;11,12 & Heb. 12;5,6) and, subsequently, the church's discipline.

Church Meetings

I am convinced that children of all ages should be with the parents in the house church meeting. If we take Eph. 6;4 at face value, a father, not another adult teacher, trains his children. The father who teaches his children the things of the Lord six days a week will not need someone else to do it on Sundays. A father who also disciplines his children will have them under control. His control will allow the children to be with the parents in the house church meeting. Remember that we are not training our children to remain children, but to be adults. They need to see how adults meet as a church and learn by participating as well. In our church, the families sit together. When necessary, the parents correct their children in our meetings or remove them for discipline--which, during some meetings, is often!--but that is part of maturing as a church and as families. It is something we have taught, and expect from our parents and our children. Children can do far more than we sometimes think! If they need to nap, they sleep in Dad or Mom's lap, or in the chair, or on one of our beds. Often the children play with quiet toys, read, or color (sometimes on paper, sometimes on the floor!). It's just like family.

Children's Programs

When I write of the father teaching his children, I mean that he brings them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (the King James reads "nurture and admonition"). Paul cryptically wrote of this without any explanation in Eph. 6:4. It is almost proverbial, and he writes it as if we already know what he means. He is referring to God's way of rearing our children (as shown above in Malachi 4:4-6 and Luke 1:13-17).

Malachi 4:4 says: "Remember the law of Moses My servant, the statutes and ordinances I commanded him on Mt. Horeb for all Israel." God through Malachi is reminding the nation of an event which occurred 1,000 year before! The cross reference to this is Deuteronomy 4:9-10, where we find God reminding them of the same event, the giving of the Law at Mt. Horeb or Sinai: "Remember the day you stood before the Lord your God at Horeb, when the Lord said to me, 'Assemble the people to Me, that I may let them hear My words so they may learn to fear Me all the days they live on the earth, and that they may teach their children.'" In a nutshell, the Israelite fathers were to teach their children the Law of God out of fear for Him. That is reminiscent of the angel's message to Zacharias about John the Baptist in Luke 1:17 (turn to the Lord; turn to their children). We can conclude that God's way of communicating truth to the next generation has not changed. God intends truth to be taught to children in a family setting. The institutions of the church and society do not have this direct responsibility; parents do. The sooner we learn this lesson in the body of Christ, the sooner we will put aside all the worldly ways of teaching and training children, and the sooner we will have generations of godly men and women in the church who can turn the world upside down once again.

Christian Ministry

Paul's concept of ministry was derived partially from family life. Paul drew upon a godly family as he illustrates his own apostolic ministry to the Thessalonians in 1 Thess. 2:5-12. He used the nursing mother and then the father as examples. As an apostle, Paul could have been paid for his work among them as he preached the Gospel and taught them discipleship. However, he worked hard among them day and night so they would not think him greedy. A nursing mother, who cares for her children day and night, provided the perfect example of Paul's service. Her emotional ties to her children propel her in her ministry of love and devotion. She nurtures her children. This contrasts with the man's primary role explained later. Women are to be the nurturers in the home, and their emphasis on relationships gives impetus to Paul's ministry. Paul's tender care, his willingness to sacrifice his time and energy for their welfare, imitated the godly mother caring for her children.

On the other hand, Paul also looked to the godly father, who was very concerned with the righteousness of his children, and, apparently, their reputation. Paul wrote that the father who directs the moral development of the children proved to be the perfect example for the apostle exhorting, encouraging, and imploring the new Christians at Thessalonica to walk in a manner worthy of God. This goes back again to the father's responsibility to his children: teaching them righteousness, and training them to that standard. The father who loves his children and wants God's blessing upon them does not impose legalism upon the household. That breeds rebellion. Christians do not earn a right standing before God, nor keep it, by what they do. Rather, through the relationship we have with our children, we fathers urge as strongly as possible our children's obedient walk with God. Paul capitalized on his observations of godly men who concern themselves with their children's conduct.

The passive father will raise sons who are themselves passive and liable to be dominated by women. His daughters will tend to be domineering in the areas of family, church, and society. The emotionless mother will produce children who cannot relate to people. All this can be prevented by involved fathers and mothers who see to the well-being of their children and teach them the proper roles of men and women in the family, church, and society. It seems to me that Paul took the outstanding characteristics of the mother and father and applied them to his ministry: the emotional ties which caused sacrifice by the mother and the desire for children worthy of the family name which caused much involvement by the father. We must do the same.

Conclusion

The book of Genesis shows us that the family institution predated the nation Israel by several millennia. During this time before Moses, the patriarchs worshipped and sacrificed as the priests of their family. Family formed the structure of their society and religion then as it should ours now. The family's effect upon the church takes several forms, all of them dealing with relationships. We have seen how family relationships are related to salvation, how the family is to be the focus of evangelism, in what ways the family conducts itself when the church gathers, its consideration when selecting church leaders, and how the family influences the daily functions of the church. In all of the NT writings, the family is not undermined and reduced to a second place institution on the periphery of the church, but is central to the proper functioning of the church. The family forms the foundation for evangelism and maturity in the Christian life.